Computer HUMOR 
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So you think you're computer-illiterate?

Check out the following excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press any key" to "Press the Enter key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "any" key is. control with the dust cover on. The dust cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. A Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes.  After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes and then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another Gateway customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the diskettes.

5. A Dell technician advised a customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the technician to old on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his office.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered that the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor and pressing the "Send" key.

7. Another Dell customer need help setting up a new program, so a technician suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied.  When told that Egghead was a software store, the man said "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

9. A Gateway technician spoke to a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The technician explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid entry" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell couldn't get her new computer to turn on.  After making sure the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response was "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the mouse.

11. A customer called Compaq to say her brand new computer wouldn't work.  She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

12. This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters. Tech Support: OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters. Customer: "Ooh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."

13. True story from a Novell NetWire technician:

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I'm within my warranty period. How do I get it fixed?"

Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did your receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '32X.' on it."

At this point the technician had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and had snapped it off the drive!

Admit it, you feel just little superior after reading these, don't you?!

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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.  She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, slammed it shut again.
 Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
  Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" ]

  To which she replied, "There certainly is.....
   My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

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Who's on Start?

Costello: Hey, Abbott!
Abbott: Yes, Lou?

Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbott: That's great, Lou. What did you get?

Costello: A Pentium III, with 128 Megs of RAM, a 30 Gig hard drive, and a DVD CD-ROM.
Abbott: That's terrific, Lou.

Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!
Abbott: You will in time.

Costello: That's exactly why I'm here to see you.
Abbott: Oh?

Costello: I heard that you're a real computer expert.
Abbott: Well, I don't know . . .

Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.
Abbott: Really?

Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbott: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?

Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbott: That's true.

Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbott: Well, first you press the Start button, and then . . .

Costello: No, I told you I want to turn it off.
Abbott: I know, you press the Start button . . .

Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it Off. I know how to start it.  So tell me what to do.
Abbott: I did.

Costello: When?
Abbott: When I told you to press the Start button.

Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbott: To shut off the computer.

Costello: I press Start to stop?
Abbott: Well, Start doesn't actually stop the computer.

Costello: I knew it! So what do I press?
Abbott: Start.

Costello: Start what?
Abbott: Start button.

Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbott: Shut down.

Costello: You don't have to get rude!
Abbott: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.

Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbott: To shut down the computer, press . . .

Costello: Don't say, "Start!"

Abbott: Then what do you want me to say?

Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist  button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.

Abbott: But that's what you do.
Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.

Abbott: Don't be ridiculous.
Costello: I'm being ridiculous? Well, I think it's about time we
started this conversation.
Abbott: What are you talking about?

Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.

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Updated 09/26/02